Abuso Sexual Infantil! Aún No Lo Supero

No puedo creer que en este preciso momento me haya animado a escribir unas líneas sobre mi abuso sexual. Era solo un niño inocente con tan solo 5 años. Para ser muy sincero no estoy muy claro como comenzó todo. Tengo memorias vagas y gran parte de mi infancia no la recuerdo.

Yo crecí en un ambiente familiar bastante disfuncional. Mi padre realmente no formó parte de mi vida. Por lo que mi madre me ha contado, cuando se alivió de mi, mi padre realmente se alejó totalmente. El era un hombre casado y tenía su propia familia.

Vivíamos en una vecindad en una casa con una familia que no era familia sanguínea nuestra. Pero igual llegué a tenerles tanto cariño como si realmente lo fuesen. En esa vecindad vivían unas cuatro familias y todos ellos si eran familiares los unos de los otros.

Yo de niño recuerdo que jugaba con una niña que a la fecha la considero como si fuera mi prima de sangre. En muchas ocasiones me invitaba a su casa a jugar, o a comer algo rico de lo que cocinaba su madre.

Recuerdo que ella se acercaba a su padre y el le pedía que le sacara los barros de la cara. Y yo estaba muy apegado a ella así que recuerdo estar ahí a su lado. Él normalmente andaba siempre en calzoncillos en su casa. Las memorias que se me vienen a la mente no son cronológicas así que no sé con certeza que evento sucedió primero o después. Lo que si recuerdo es que en una de mis visitas yo me senté en la cama y el papá de mi amiga estaba acostado y como de costumbre él estaba acostado solo con sus calzoncillos puestos. Recuerdo que con los dedos de sus pies me rosó mi pené. Recuerdo sentí raro ya que nunca había sido tocado de esa manera. Sin tener control recuerdo haber tenido una pequeña erección. En ese momento me paralicé. Fue algo tan raro. No sabía que fuera algo malo, ni tampoco estaba seguro si fue algo accidental solo recuerdo que sentí bonito. No tenía idea que estaba despertando en mi sensaciones que no había experimentado. Era solo un niño inocente que no tenía protección en ese preciso momento.

Él actuaba como si no fue algo intencional, pero mi cuerpo de niño reaccionaba a sus caricias. En otra de mis memorias que se repiten muy a menudo en mi cabeza es cuando fui a buscar a mi amiga a su casa. Fui y toque la puerta de su casa y me abrió la puerta su padre. Me dejó pasar y al entrar seguí caminando cuando de repente me abraza y carga por detrás y yo sentí que me apretaba contra él cuando pude sentir lo que ya ya más grande entendí era una erección. De nuevo esto fue algo que yo no entendía pero que mi cuerpo reaccionaba. Tengo que decir que era algo que despertaba en mi sensaciones que disfrutaba.

Lo que él estaba haciendo era el proceso que le llaman “grooming” o preparación sexual. Me estaba preparando para lo que él quería utilizarme, su objeto Sexual. En ningún momento me sentí violentado. Todo fue de una manera muy sutil. De ahí todo fue avanzando poco a poco. No recuerdo a qué edad sucedió pero recuerdo fui violado aunque no haya usado violencia sino caricias. Fueron muchas veces. Esto comenzó a los 5 años y continuó hasta los 14 años que fue cuando me mudé lejos a vivir con una tía. En todo ese tiempo fueron muchos los abusos sexuales que sufrí. Cómo lo mencioné nunca fue violento conmigo siempre fue de una manera cariñosa. Fueron muchos años que me seducía y aunque yo no quería me ponía a que le hiciera sexo oral. A mi edad ahora siendo un adulto de 40 años esto es algo que no he podido superar. No sufrí una violación forzada pero fui violado aunque yo haya en cierta forma obtenido placer. Mi cuerpo solo estaba reaccionando a las caricias. Decir que me destrozó la vida es decir muy poco. Mi vida ha sido difícil llena de pensamientos suicidas cuando era adolescente. Vivo con altos niveles de ansiedad. No sé cómo manejar mis emociones ya que son muy erráticas. Mi autoestima es muy bajo que llegué a relacionarme con un narcisista que por la relación que viví me deprimí mucho al punto de casi atravesármele a un trailer para que acabara con mi vida.

No ha sido nada fácil sobrevivir el día día. Mi relaciones con hombres y mujeres son bastante difíciles ya que me es muy difícil confiar en los demás y pienso que quieren hacerme algún daño.

Me hizo un daño irreparable pero aún así día con día trato de ayudarme a ser positivo ante la vida y dejar huellas bonitas en mi camino.

Inner Peace

Making the move & Start anew

A few weeks have passed since I posted my first blog I’ve been thinking and thinking what should I write about I guess it’s never easy when you haven’t been riding for a very long time

I guess I will share with you some of the things that I did to overcome my depression and the very best shape that I was in

Deep within me I was certain that I had to leave my my area in or to surround myself with people that would help me get through the pain that I was going through

This didn’t happen overnight it was something that I thought over and over but decided to stay in my Nona area close to family family support was extremely important for my recovery

In fact I brought my mom to live with me for approximately a year along with an aunt who who lived with me for about the same amount of time I’m very glad that I got to spend that time with her as I was able to share many moments with her since then she has passed on to a better life

In fact about a year before I brought my mom to live with me I have the support of a very special friend who is always by my side when I needed her as difficult as I was she was always there. For that I will always be grateful hey there is anyone I owe a lot to for my recovery it would be her I have to admit this came at a very high price to her as she ended up falling in love with me.

Two years had passed after my relationship with a narcissist before I could think of anything else and make a decision to look outside of my city and start a new life.

It was not an easy decision to two actually make the move.

It’s funny I was at the office working when all of a sudden I saw an internal posting on our social platform for a position in the same department multinational and this was in Miami I thought it was funny and I even shared it with for and I said hey there’s a position in multinational in the Miami office to return my colleagues replied are you going to apply? I said no I was just I was just thinking how cool that would be to work in Miami

It just so happened that I had an established relationship with that office as I was the account manager for one of the clients that was brokered out of that office and had a very good rapport with the client executive

So I’m sitting at my desk and think about emailing the client executive that I knew in my mind I thought it would be so cool to actually transfer but then I hesitated I had my my fingers on the keyboard ready to compose the email but didn’t sent didn’t compose an email right at that moment a few minutes past and I start composing the email to him I guess I have a got feeling that once I send that email my life would be different I ended up sending the email with a very simple inquiry I said Andrew is this position part of your team? A few minutes later that day I received his reply yes we are in the final stages of filling the position. Are you interested? I said yes I would be interested then he replied in and said no contact this person and shell go to the interview process with you.

So I reached out and basically chit-chatted over the phone with her and and tried to project a very outgoing person through the phone I guess it was the right approach she was very interesting and me and my background

It just so happened that I had a vacation planned the following week after we spoke I had planned to visit San Francisco there is going to be a convention for the recipients of a scholarship that I had obtained during high school I mentioned to the interviewer that I could instead change my plans and visit them personally at their office in Miami so that I could meet with them in person and get a tour the facilities

I purchased my ticket to Miami and she accommodated me at the epic hotel at the companies expense

After the interview was over and I was ready to get back to San Antonio I have this gut feeling that for some reason I was going to be back in Miami I just felt it that an offer was going to be extended it was a weird feeling I knew that that that moment my life would begin to change as I had wished it would be a new beginning

As I mentioned I was on my own vacation time when I came to the interview and on my first day back at the office the interviewer had already reached out to my supervisor in San Antonio it was the same company that I was interviewing with it would just be a transfer and that was one of the news that I had to deliver on my first day back I had to face my bonds and tell her that I had traveled to Miami to interview for this position this was not using it it was in away turning in my resignation before I even get an offer letter which is not the right way at least is not in my favor

After that encounter with my boss approximately two weeks passed and I received an official offer letter I might even sure how to describe what I was feeling I had my own doubts I had fears about failure wondering how things would work out as I have my home in San Antonio

It’s as if God outlined all the stars for me I have the job offer and then I had a close friends sister-in-law who is interested in renting my home and Anant in Miami Who knew of someone that was leasing and efficiency

All of this happened and was arranged in a matter of two weeks but I seriously was a little stressed out for a little while thinking how is is all going to fall into place but it was is as if magic had happened I as there were no issues and I was able to make the transition into my new role and get situated in my new place the news of me moving to Miami we’re hard on my friend who made herself available to meet during the hardest time of my life it was the way our friendship/relationship ended is not easy for me to leave everything behind but it has help me prove to myself that I am stronger than ever that I am capable of achieving great things, That I am self-reliant.
Survive & Thrive

Torres del Paine

I’m a just a few days from embarking on a great journey all on my own. I feel like this is the trip that I should have been on when I decided to pick up and leave the relationship I was in with the narcissist. However, I am a true believer in that God aligns everything for us and that things are put in our path when we are ready for them.

If anyone had said to me a few years back where I’ll be heading to in the next few days, I wouldn’t have believed it. For one, because of the state in which I was in; confused, hopeless and with no direction to go to, plus the debt level I found myself in at the time would have made it somewhat impossible . But things changed for the better. One of the steps I took was to interview for the position I currently hold. This got me away from places and people that reminded me of the torturous relationship I had gotten into.

A lot of changes transformed me into the person I am today. I am nowhere near perfect but I am happy with my new outlook in life. With the decision to move to Miami, I came across a movement I had considered alien, that of minimalism.

The implementation of this new way of life has allowed me to essentially be debt free with the exception of my mortgage on the property I own back in Texas. However, I don’t honestly consider this debt as my house has been leased since I left and the rent itself covers the note and is in fact an equity-generating asset as time passes.

This change of philosophy in not acquiring more material goods but rather experiences, has enabled me to see other parts of the world I never imagined visiting. In 2016 I made one of my most longed travels and visited Oaxaca for the first time. I invited my oldest brother and had an awesome time together. It helped him re-evaluate his life and helped him understood how valuable his life is, during a time where he was struggling with personal matters he confided in me he had considered taking his own life. As you can understand him seeing the beauty in life has encouraged him to keep fighting for his and his family’s well being and happiness.

This time around I will be traveling alone. Some people never seem to find the courage to do this but I know that great things always await on the other side of fear. Initially, it was just an idea to visit this 8th wonder if the world. I said to myself ‘it would be great to get to see this place’, but I was leaving it to chance for it to happen, when we certainly know that in life for things to happen one must go aftee them, make a decision in order to reach our goals and make our dreams a reality. It was then that I acted on my thoughts and aligned my actions in order to make this dream trip a reality. I’ve made my ticket purchases and reservations in order to reach my dream destination of Torres del Paine National Park in the Chilean Patagonia. I know this trip will be an amazing experience where I will connect with nature and in a sense connect with my inner self.

Survive & Thrive!

What is wrong with me? I’m a celiac.

Ever since a young boy I never felt energized. I remember at the age of 9 telling my father that I always felt tired. To me it didn’t seem normal not to be running around like the rest of the kids. I had to force myself to do any type of activity. Focusing for any length of time was always a struggle. I would get bloated at least once a week and to me this became a way of life. My bowel movements were constantly uncomfortable ( constipated) and this really took a toll on me for most of my childhood well into my adult years. My list of symptoms can go on forever: red, itchy eyes, chicken skin on arms (keratosis Pilaris), bloating, belching, heartburn, oily-foul – smelling stool, numbness and tingling sensation in my left hand fingers (ring and pinky) and toes, hair loss/breakage, brittle nails, dark circles under my eyes, mouth ulcers, itchy skin, bone pain, joint pain/inflammation, chronic fatigue, mood swings, depression, infertility (?), flatulence.

For many years this is what I have known as my normal life. I came to expect and experience these symptoms on a recurring basis. I had visited so many doctors- dermatologists, general practitioners, ophthalmologists, got tested for allergies among numerous tests and I would just receive a prescription for nothing concrete and go out about my life with no real solution to my ailments.

It was about 6 months ago that my girlfriend asked me if I knew about gluten intolerance. She told me that a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing were associated with being gluten sensitive/intolerant. I became so involved in the literature that I eventually ran into coeliac disease. I learned how some people have a reaction to eating gluten and realized that essentially I suffered most if not all the symptoms that are associated with this autoimmune disorder. I decided to go gluten free before being diagnosed and noticed how much more energized I felt, I began having normal bowel movements, no more being stuck to the toilet for long periods of time, my hair stopped falling, nails started to grow thicker. I decided to go get officially diagnosed so I scheduled an appointment with the gastroenterologist to get the TgA (transglutamine) test done. I believe this is the most common and least expensive test that is administered. However, for this test to be effective one must be on a gluten diet and I had been on a gluten free diet about a month before I got tested. I decided to go through with the test anyways and of course it came back within ‘normal range.’ I decided not to pursue any further testing as a lot of the symptoms I had experienced had miraculously vanished soon after starting the gluten free diet.

The picture of the fish above is of a dish I had recently (not realizing at the time that it was breaded) and I paid the consequences dearly. I felt fatigued and experienced constipation soon after. The pictures below portray the skin reaction/rash when I accidentally ingest gluten -containing foods.

On being present when most needed…..Cancer diagnosis

August 15, 2016

A lot has happened in my life since I last posted my first blog. It isn’t that I didn’t think about writing material to post or that I just didn’t care to write anything during all this time, I will leave that explanation for another blog post where I will discuss in detail the reasons for it.

I took a recent trip back home to San Antonio & Laredo, my hometown. It was such a long-awaited week vacation to disconnect from the pressures of my job and also to reconnect with family. Ever since I moved to Miami about two years ago, one of my brothers moved from Laredo to San Antonio, where he is now raising two beautiful daughters and a baby boy who is actually going to be born today right about the time I am putting this blog post together. On my week-long stay in the early days of June I spent 2 days in San Antonio spending time with my two brothers and the rest of the days I decided to go to Laredo and spend a few days with my sister who to this day lives in Laredo and whom my mother lives with from time to time. It was great visit to be honest. Lounging around not having a set schedule, nor planned calls is a great feeling. Living life this way is ideal as I am not one who really lives by an agenda. I’m a spur of the moment kind of guy. I like to do things as they come to mind granted I have the time and the resources to be able to do the things I want to do. In fact, during this trip I visited a quasi friend who at one time I had a crush on. She lives about an hour and a half from Laredo into Mexico in Sabinas Hidalgo. We still talk from time to time but seems as though it has been more and more sporadic. I actually invited my mother to come along with me so that we could spend more time together while I also had the chance to visit with my friend.

My week vacation came to an end and had to start heading back to San Antonio so that I could catch my flight back home to Miami. That night I stayed at my little brother’s place, as he would be the one to take me back to the airport around 4 am in order to catch my 6 am flight. I can say I didn’t sleep much that night, as I was afraid I would miss the flight since it was so early in the morning. Around 2:30 am on Sunday I received a WatsApp message from a friend alerting me that my girlfriend had been rushed to the emergency clinic. She told me my girlfriend had some very sharp pains in her abdomen. I was so glad that I was flying back home to Miami, as I wanted to be by her side to help in whatever I could. I got to Miami at around 9:30 am and took an uber taxi to my house. I slept for a few hours as I had not slept the night before. As soon as I woke up I WhatsApped my girlfriend and she was being transported from the emergency clinic to Memorial Jackson Hospital as they were going to run more tests on her. She spent the night in the emergency room at the hospital as they were doing more tests on her such as a pap smear among other routine tests. I could not spend the night with her a she was in the emergency room and plus the next day was my first day at work coming back from vacation. The next day she was moved to the Women’s’ hospital where they were going to do more tests among them another pap spears of which she is so afraid of as she is very narrow in her canal and she said some doctors & nurses are not as gentle as she would want them to be causing her discomfort and pain in the process.

On Monday morning I was at the office and I received a call from my girlfriend. She was sobbing and it was evident she needed me by her side. They had told her that after reviewing the test results they were concerned and believed that it may be a cancerous tumor. I had only been at the office for about 2 and half hours and went to my boss’ office and explained roundabout the situation. I basically told her I understood that it was my first day back from vacation that I felt the need to be with her during this very tough situation she was going through. We agreed that I would be working from the hospital the rest of the afternoon. That night I stayed at my house and the next morning I called my boss to ask her if she would let me work from the hospital again so that I could be with my girlfriend during this time. Her response was, ‘I leave it up to you’. I took that as a no I don’t want you to work from the hospital but if you are going to go through with that then that’s your choice. I ended up going to the office. I received a call that morning around 9am from my girlfriend & that they were going to do one more pap smear and that they were almost certain the tumor they had found was cancerous given her ca125 levels was in the 1400s. My girlfriend was inconsolable and again I needed to be there with her to hold her hand to show her that she’s not going through this alone. I walked into my bosses office once again and explained to her that the doctors had told her that the likelihood that her tumor she had was cancerous and that they needed to run a few more tests to determine what the next steps would be. In essence I told her I will be by her side and if you want me to work the days I can from the hospital or that I could use vacation time to be with her during this time. I risked losing my job, and would willingly have given up on it had she not worked an arrangement with me. I can understand a job is important to support oneself but there comes a time in life where you have to make choices and weigh what is more important. I chose to be with my girlfriend through every moment, every painful news and so I stayed in the hospital and slept by her side holding her hand.

I had never spent a night in a Hospital until she was hospitalized. To this day the memory of her receiving potassium through an IV is a painful memory. I had no idea this was painful until I saw her in tears as it was going through her veins. I cried with her every single time they administered the potassium to her. I am not exactly sure how many bags they administered to her but they were a good number of them. We’ll never forget the day the confirmed that it was indeed a cancerous tumor something in the range of 6in in her left ovary. The doctors recommended that they do immediate surgery to extract the tumor and any cancerous remnants that they may find during the surgery. That night we were listening to music on Spotify and Leann Rimes’ song blue played and subsequently Crazy by Leann as well. So now when we hear those two songs it takes us back to that one moment in time.

It was that same night where she gave me instructions as to what to do with her belongings should she not make it back out of the surgery room. I was to take her ashes with me to her sister in Chile. Her belongings would all go to her only son and for her van to be sold & help pay for her cremation. It was a very tough and emotional day for both of us. The next morning they would be confirming the time her surgery would be as there was another person going in for surgery before her but given things change at the last minute, perhaps the patient backs out of the surgery then she would be moved up to go first instead. The nurses showed up at her hospital door around 2pm with the stretcher ready to take her to the prep room from there she would be taken to the surgery room. There, it was explained to us that they would first do a laparoscopy to see the extent of the surgery. If it was determined that the cancer had compromised other major organs, they would not proceed with the surgery and instead implement another approach and treatment plan. The laparoscopy procedure would take approximately 45 minutes. In the prep room they administered some anesthesia that would put her out in preparation for the surgery. I hurried to the waiting area where there was a TV screen and on it had patient #’s, rather than a patient’s name to secure their privacy, and it would indicate in what step of the process or surgery they were on. I had to go to another room in order to get my girlfriend’s patient number and figure out at what step of the way they were in. I got back to the waiting area and located her patient number on the TV screen, she was in the laparoscopy process, and she was there for a good hour. I was very nervous to say the least. I could not wait for the status on the screen to change from the first step to ‘proceed to surgery’ because that meant the cancer had not compromised other organs and that would perform the hysterectomy along with removing other organs and lymph nodes. She was in the operating room for a good 7 hours. I waited there in the waiting area all that time. I did not want to go anywhere to make sure I was there should any doctors come out to give me news. It was about 11:30 by the time the status on the TV screen changed to ‘recovery area’. I rejoiced when I saw that she had been moved on to the recovery area and was waiting for her to be taken to her hospital room.

As soon as she woke up from the anesthesia she asked for water. The nurse gave her some water and she was drinking that out of a straw with such desperation. Granted she hadn’t eaten anything nor had drank any water since basically 24 hours before so I can just imagine how thirsty she may have been. Later that night the effects of coming off the anesthesia were kicking in, she started feeling nauseous and eventually ended up projecting vomit. I was a bit frightened as I had never seen anyone come out of a surgery before and could see how vomiting while unattended in a room could be very dangerous situation to be in. The tumor that was extracted along with lymph nodes and other tissues were sent to pathology for staging and in a matter of 2 weeks or so they gave her further detail. She had state IIIA Ovarian Cancer. For this and many other reasons I am glad I have been by her side throughout this entire painful experience she has been through. The battle is not yet over. In fact, it has just started. She is to get six rounds of chemotherapy and has undergone the first treatment.

Survive & Thrive

SURVIVING AND THRIVING AFTER A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST

Today is the day I decided to take action on my thoughts and to start blogging and let people around the world take a pique into my mind. It would be prudent to say that I was just reading someone else’s blog that really got me to action this. Lately, I have been doing lots of reading from many bloggers on a variety of topics from: Minimalism, On being debt free, escaping Corporate America, Escaping the rat race, Consumerism, World Travel, On selling or not my home among a great variety of topics. Just before I set out to type my first blog I was reading a blog from Nicole Emerick who created Ms. Career Girl when I got to a sentence that read ‘What do you want your story to look like? What are you doing to get there? What do you love doing? Why aren’t you doing it?’ It was when I got to this very last question that I turned my computer on and here you have me putting this together. I have decided to start blogging as I have kept many thoughts and ideas to myself about life in general. There are so many life experiences I have had in the last 4 years of my life that I just felt the need to share with others with the hope that I can save people out there much heartache and misery. In fact, there are way too many hard lessons I’ve learned in my life that it has taken a lot of courage to sit down and type this. Before I went through the hardest experience in my life, never did I consider reading blogs. It did not occur to me to Google many of the questions I had, until I became involved with the person I thought would bring meaning to my life. Boy was I completely wrong!

I think it is important that I start by sharing with you my story about a 2-year ‘relationship’ with a narcissist. An experience that literally changed the way I view the world and redefined what I understood to be my purpose in life. From this one experience that I am about to share with you, the idea was born for me to write about subjects that I believe will be very helpful to anyone who has been involved in any type of toxic relationship and more specifically a relationship with a narcissist.

How It All Started

It all started when I saw her walking into a store at Wonderland of the Americas mall in San Antonio, TX. I saw her and immediately felt the attraction. My heart started racing and all I could think was I better go and say hello. In some way I had to take the opportunity and reach out to her. There may not be a second chance I get to see her again. So, I go in the store chasing after her until she turns in my direction and we both make eye contact. I could not say a word, but made sure she was aware I was interested and hoping the few seconds our eyes crossed that she would pick up on that. In that particular moment I did not have the guts to go and introduce myself. I walked out of the store and sat on a metal bench that was directly in front of the store on the way out. There I sat for a few minutes waiting for her to come out once again and gain the courage to make a connection and have a small chat. All of a sudden I see her coming out of the store and here I was again with my heart pounding and thinking I cannot let this opportunity pass me so it’s now or never. I started waving at her and signaled her to come to me. She started walking towards me. I started the conversation by extending my hand to shake hers. I couldn’t think of any other way to spark a conversation but by introducing myself and telling her that I had seen her at a restaurant a few months back. She asked me, “At which restaurant did you see me?” I said, “ I saw you at Palenque Grill.” She immediately replied, ‘but I have never been to that restaurant’, I responded, ‘Well, it must have been someone that looks a lot like you’. After this exchange there was no need for further story-making as she asked me where I was from to which I replied, ‘Laredo.’ And she said she happened to live there for a few years when she was younger. This even created more of an immediate bond as she had lived in my hometown.

She sat next to me and I could not ignore that her eyes were wandering all over me. If anything I was only interpreting this as a sign that she was very interested in me and possibly attracted as well. While she sat there she started basically giving me a lecture on how Hollywood being founded by the Jews and how powerful a community they are and the fact that you never really see films that portray them under a bad light. I have to admit I was mesmerized and astonished as to how much she new or at least how much she appeared to know about history. I do not know the story of how Hollywood came to be. It could all have been made up but how could I know this without knowing the actual story if it happens to be any different from what she was telling me. After an hour and a half of her talking about Hollywood she says I need to go now. Before she left though she handed me a personal card that had her mobile number, email and her apartment address on it. I was so excited about this. It meant the possibility existed that we could connect with her at some other time and that this could be the beginning of a great friendship, and in my mind I was yearning for something more than just a friendship but that would be a good start.

That same night I sent her an email address. I tried to work the courage to call her but every time I grabbed my cell phone to dial her number, I would change my mind. I didn’t want her to think I was desperate to talk to her. Instead I decided to send her a note via email. I basically said in the note that it had been a pleasure meeting her at that mall and that I had enjoyed the conversation and history lesson on Hollywood very much. To end the note I also told her I though she was a very beautiful woman. A day passed and I didn’t get a reply from her. I was anxious to be honest. I was hoping that I would get a reply from her right the next day but nothing. I decided to call her. The phone rang twice and she answered the phone. I told her I had sent a note and that I also wanted to just chat for a few minutes. She told me she had not had a chance to look at her emails and that was why she hadn’t replied to my note. We only chatted for a few minutes and she said she had a piano at her home and that she had some bottles of wine and that I was welcome to a glass anytime I wanted to stop by. This was on a Sunday that we were talking and I said, ‘Well, I’m not doing anything right now, it will only take me about 20 minutes to get to your place. What do you think if I show up right now? She said, that sounds good to me. We said our good byes, I changed clothes into something more comfortable and in a matter of 20 minutes or so I was at apartment front door. She welcomed me in her home and the first thing she did was give me a tour of her impeccable apartment. She had a collection of a variety of items in the living room above where her piano was positioned and had some replicas of famous works of art hung. Everything was in its place, very orderly. She made her way to the kitchen and took a bottle of wine from one of the kitchen cabinets removed the cork and served herself and me a glass of wine. We toasted for a ‘lifetime friendship.’ I was about to put my glass of wine before taking a sip and she stopped me in my tracks and said, ‘you are not supposed to do that until you have taken a sip, it is not good etiquette and is considered disrespectful.’ I didn’t think anything of that and basically did was told and proceeded to take a sip prior to setting the glass of wine on the kitchen counter. She then invited out to her balcony from which you could enjoy a nice view leading to highway I-10 where traffic never ends at any time of the day or night. She sat on a stool and I followed suit. She noticed that my eyes were affixed on to her and she said ‘ You are in disbelief, aren’t you?’ I said, ‘yes, I am. It’s just a little crazy that we met at the mall just 2 days ago and here I am having a glass of wine with you in your apartment.’ She was extremely nice and welcoming and really felt like we just connected like never in my life with anyone I’ve ever met.

This is how my ‘relationship’ started. It took off very quickly. It so happened that her apartment was only 3 minutes from my office. She said to me, ‘Feel free to stop by my place any time you want to.’ Since I worked a few minutes away that to me was awesome. A few days later I invited her to dinner at a restaurant that has some very delicious dishes so I thought I would take her to eat dinner there. She accepted my invitation – I was flattered that she accepted. Things in my mind were going great and I felt like I was connecting with her at every level. We agreed to meet at the restaurant at a certain time and she showed up a few minutes late. When she arrived I was already at the table waiting for her. I waved at her when I saw her so that she would walk over to my table. She sees me and starts walking towards the table- we hug each other and she sits down. A minute later the waiter shows up and hands us our menus. He asked if we knew what we wanted to drink. I ordered my diet soda and she asked for a beer. The water asked if she wanted salt on the rim, she said ‘Why are you asking me that, I asked for a beer, to which the waiter replied, Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted salt on the rim, some people like salt on it. She said, I asked for a beer only. He said, ok chief I will bring it right out. She said, ‘what did you call me?’ Do you seem me wearing feathers or something?’ I didn’t know what to make of that. The waiter was very nice and cordial. He was just trying to make sure we were attended to. The waiter comes back and brings us our drinks, my diet soda and her beer (no salt of course). He asked if were ready to order and she ordered first. She asked for some steak/shrimp plate, which was one of the most expensive dishes on the menu. I was the one inviting so I was ready with the funds but had never experienced my date choosing the most expensive dish on the menu particularly on our first date. I tend to be conscious of things like this especially when someone else is paying. But again I didn’t think much of that either. Our entrees are brought out and I can say my quesadillas were very tasty. All of a sudden a mariachi band shows up at the restaurant and she signals one of the band members to come to our table and she requested a very popular song. I felt special. We had a great meal and to top it off we had the Mariachi band playing at our table. One thing though, as they started playing the song she started banging her eating utensils on her plate following the rhythm of the tune. To say the least that was a bit loud and I would say it was more than likely annoying the patrons sitting around us. It was loud enough to make it an unpleasant experience but it seems as though she was enjoying the attention she was getting. In the end, it was in my mind a very special and memorable dinner date. Though I could not forget the little annoyances that were part of that night: being rude to the waiter, banging her eating utensils on her plate and choosing one of the priciest dishes from the menu. All of these were red flags of the type of person I was dealing with, a narcissist. At the time I had no idea this was the case, otherwise, I would have run like forest lol. I can laugh about it now, I guess, but the pain that this person caused me was so great that it almost cost me my life.

I felt the need to share the beginning of this personal agonizing experience as it has taught me so much about what is important in life, to know myself better as a person, what I value, what I represent, what I stand for and what I am willing to fight for. My intention is not to dwell on the past and feel bad for myself for what rough times I went through but rather to put those experiences to work in my favor to get me through to the other side a survivor and a winner.

To all of you who are currently recovering from a relationship with a narcissist, I say love yourself, surround yourself with people that highlight the best in you, get close to your family. During this period of recovery you will go through many ups and downs but believe me life will get better and better. And in a way you will use this experience to make you an even better person than you were before you got involved in this relationship to begin with.

It is not going to be easy nor will it happen overnight. It is an experience that you will never forget but I can almost assure you that your life will be better than perhaps you ever imagined. You will be true to yourself and really go for what you want out of life. I remember when I was going through the agony of breaking away from that relationship addiction. I had insomnia. I could not really function at my job. I was always tired and didn’t even go out to enjoy my life as I had done before engaging in this relationship. I love singing and even stopped singing or going to karaoke bars on the weekends. I was in such bad emotional shape that I even avoided getting together with my friends. In fact, you really get to know who your friends are as you are trying to recover from this. I have 2 really good friends of mine who I confide in in to share my very deepest secrets and even they at times would not answer the phone when I would call them. I can understand their reasons really. Who really wants to be on the phone with someone who doesn’t talk about anything but how bad his or her situation is and talking about the same subject hour after hour –that was me at the time. I would call my friends and practically wouldn’t even ask, ‘How is your day?’ The minute they would answer the phone I would start telling them about my relationship and how things would seem to work one day and how they wouldn’t the next. This of course was due to the games the narcissist plays with you. It’s nothing but mind games to keep you stuck by their side but in reality their enjoying and savoring the suffering they inflict on you. God really was on my side when I went through this I tell you. I am thankful I did not lose my job nor did I ruin my credit by missing payments or going into debt.

I know everyone’s situation is different and there may be some people who may be able to get out of such a relationship and find themselves again in perhaps a much shorter time frame than I did. As I was going through my recovery process I always wondered, ‘When will I stop thinking about her, when will I be through with this agony, how much longer before I feel happy and I’m able to enjoy life once again?’ I never really read anywhere from all the blogs or forums that talk about narcissistic abuse recovery where someone spoke of a particular time frame, but I can tell you from my personal experience that it took me a good 1 and a half years to feel like I could really focus on something other than the narcissistic person (if you can call them that). The one advice I can give you to recover is to educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder as much as you can. Forget about the possibility that you can somehow help them save themselves—do not risk your life doing this. It is important that you come to the understanding that there is no cure to their disorder and that would be wasting your life away trying to fix something that is irreparable. It is not easy to walk away but you have to do it and do not make any contact whatsoever once you have decided to regain your life, sanity and self-confidence. Something I did was to disassociate from any friends we made together, get rid of anything that he/she gave you. I, for example, deactivated all of my social media to not have the urge to look her up and see what she was up to. You will have the desire to know how he or she is doing but do not fall into their trap again. Move one and really take care of yourself.

As mentioned in the beginning of this post, this experience has changed how I view the world, myself and my aspirations and goals in life. Through the lens of optimism I can gladly say this experience has brought about the best in me. I will be writing very soon about some of the decisions I made after having spent about 2 years into my healing journey. It has changed my world and I’m excited to very soon write about life experiences since then and the places it has taken me to. I can understand what you are feeling and going through from first-hand experience and all I can say is stay strong, stay the course and do not look back.